We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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