Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
