Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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