It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
