im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
