great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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