You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
