i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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