Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
