i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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