May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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