your parents love me but you hate me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
