with your own penis?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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