the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
