You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
