im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
