Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Drunk is not a location!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
