AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
