The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
