I'm gonna have a badass scar
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
