We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just found puke in my bra..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
