You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize