The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
