just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
