just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
