I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like a drive thru vagina
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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