He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
