Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize