Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
