I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
