do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
