Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize