How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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