Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
