News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
