I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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