the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize