So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
