I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
