dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
