my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
