It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
