Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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