Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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