OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
