Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
