I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
