Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
