You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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