Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
