i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
