There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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