So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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