the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
its not stalking. its research.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
