i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
