i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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