I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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