The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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