I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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