two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize