Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
