If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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