yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
