Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
