i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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